sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize