Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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