PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
