so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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