I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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