I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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