i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
