can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
