you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
