Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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