4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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