This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
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I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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