nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize