3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
