I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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