The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
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The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
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He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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