I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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