Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
