I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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