my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals