remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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