I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All the doctor said was why
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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