I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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