I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You ate ashes out of my bong
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
