Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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