I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
