Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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