I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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