We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
