so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
