So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
