For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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