went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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