Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
