For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
