so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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