Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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