You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
