I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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