the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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