I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
