ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
