okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
