A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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