i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
