I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
