On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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