Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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