i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize