Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
