I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
