So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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